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Who Would Win A Political Deathmatch?

may 2015 elections
Illustration by Tahler  Hill

This year’s general election is, reputedly, one of the most contentious of our country’s history (not including our uncomfortable pre-democracy adolescence, where shooting a guy in the eye and claiming the throne constituted party politics). Some would argue that we haven’t actually come that far from our murderous roots. The inter-party bickering certainly has the flavour of small children squabbling over the latest model of death by small plastic parts. Ed Miliband and Boris Johnson got so wrapped in the hard politicking of hand waving and making disgusted noises increasingly loudly that Andrew Marr was forced to ask them to “shut up please” during last Sunday’s show, before quickly turning the cameras to an uncomfortable crew of British country singers. The party leaders are gripped in a constant battle of one-upmanship, ranging from Theresa May hysterically claiming that the possibility of a SNP backed Labour government would be “the worst crisis since abdication” to Nicola Sturgeon delivering the killing blow to John Major a couple of weeks ago, when she called him “silly” in public.

Whether it’s Boris pointing out the shared private school history between himself and the “working man’s” Ed, or the Lib Dems angrily denying that anything that’s happened in the last 5 years has been their fault (and that it’s actually been nasty shiny-faced David), UK politics is struggling to escape its jabbering, bickering image. Many people across the country feel so dissociated from the entire process that they’re refusing to vote. Many more (I have assumed for the purposes of this article) are asking why, oh why, don’t they just figure it out in a good old fashioned brawl, battle of 1066 style? It is therefore with great pleasure that I bring you: who would win in a fight between the UK party leaders?

Let’s break it down.

David Cameron

The shiny-faced Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Bows to no man (unless that man is BAE Systems boss Ian King); reluctant BFIP (Boy-Friend in Parliament) to Nick Clegg; secret reptile.

Weight class: David Cameron is an outer space reptile dressed in a human suit made entirely out of ASDA ham slices and staples, so he can pack a punch. However, his private school background and aggressive wealth means he is unburdened by things like “taxes” or “struggling to feed his family”, so the bastard’s also pretty light on his feet.

Preferred fighting style: Why take on the large and intimidating when you can go for the most vulnerable in society? David uses his ham-coated claws to strike out at the disabled, benefit claimants, immigrants, the unemployed and the homeless, using their broken bodies to build an insurmountable rampart from which he cackles down at his opponents.

Special moves: As PM/Chief of Secret Police, Dave gets 2 special moves. It’s fair, he worked very hard to get here. It’s actually really difficult to be part of the Bullingdon Club, and smash up people’s possessions to prove how the only thing important in life is money.

Special Move #1: Sends Boris Johnson careening down a zip-wire toward the opposition, to confound them with nonsense about the volume of his hair and how grateful we should all be to the super rich.

Special Move #2: Kills two spring lambs, lights 5 black candles, and summons Lynton Crosby from the deepest, darkest Australian outback to raze enemy constituencies to the ground.

Weaknesses: Questions about his favourite football team, pure sunlight.

Ed Miliband

Is he tough enough? Ed, the second half of the famous Miliband duo most resembling a bowl of porridge, is leader of both Labour and of the minority political party, the Milifandom. Armed with flower crown edits and a charming grimace, he’s ready to prove himself on the political battlefield.

Weight class: Ed is just your average bloke. He only uses the smaller of his two kitchens, he’s such an everyday kind of guy. Normal-sized Ed brings together his feminism and staunch support for Israel in a confused middling weight class.

Preferred fighting style: Bring in officials from big oil and gas to frack the ground underneath other fighters' feet, setting the water in their #GE2015 mugs alight. Simultaneously come down hard on attempts to privatise the NHS and landlords looking to hurt tenants with an ever increasing cost of living, gathering support from people too fed up to look beyond the Tory-Labour clash.

Special Move: Gets all his lovely chums from the trade unions to beat up his opponents, including his brother (sorry David).

Weaknesses: Myleene Klass.

Nigel Farage

Private school-educated, scum-of-the-earth, UKIP party leader Nigel wants to keep Britain British, and get everyone to just bloody well love their country again. Whose heart doesn’t swell with patriotism when thinking of the Morris dancing, tactical chundering and uninformed racism this great land has to offer?

Weight class: Nigel Farage is, according to actual, proper scientists I’ve spoken to, literally full of shit. Where most people have mitochondria as the powerhouse of the cell, Nigel is just cell wall-to-cell wall fucking crap. This gives him both a powerful odour, strong enough to ward off anyone with a sense of human empathy, and the body density of military grade steel.

Preferred fighting style: UKIP’s favourite lackeys, the British Nationalist Party, gather around Nigel in a protective xenophobic shield formation, spouting wildly offensive comments about gays, “brown people” and “lefty scum”. Nigel claims to have nothing to do with the BNP, but praises his own party members for blog posts about homosexuality so fucking dire that you’ll want to fill the empty stadium of Farage’s mind with your endless suffering screams.

Special Move: Flees the fight, leaving his children in the pub and blaming the whole nasty affair on immigration.

Weaknesses: Nigel Farage doesn’t actually know anything about anything, and even the shortest discourse on literally any subject, including his own manifesto, will prove this.

Natalie Bennet

Sweet Natalie, leader of the Green Party, bringer of an alternative political discourse. Say what you will about the Greens, but Natalia is the human equivalent of The Brave Little Toaster, trying her hardest to bring a group of household appliances (voters) together to protect and care for their owner (the environment) in an oddly charming family cult classic (UK politics).

Weight Class: Natalie is not a particularly big person, but she can control all green living things with the power of her mind, so. Heavyweight.

Preferred fighting style: As part of her “clever political ploy” to get the voting population to confuse her as a decent human being, Natalie comes out strong on immigration and social services, standing together with our migrant workers and looking to grind the fossil fuel industry into dust. A socialist sex fantasy.

Special Move: Hits George Osbourne in the face with his own briefcase while chanting “FRACK OFF” over and over.

Weaknesses: According to the Institute for Fiscal Studies, the economy and, according to the TV debate viewership, public speaking.

Nicola Sturgeon

Nicola’s not even canvassing for votes in this general election, but fears about the almost inevitable hung Parliament have meant that the Scottish National Party is a big potential player in the 2015 bust up.

Weight Class: Fed on a pre-match diet of Iron Bru and haggis, Nicola is ready to fucking fight. She’s the first woman to have ever held the position of either Scotland’s First Minister or the SNP’s elected leader, and has fought to be there. God I’m so proud, and I’m not even Scottish.

Preferred fighting style: Body paint, rousing chants of “FREEEEEEDOMMM” and the most beautiful ‘take no shit’ approach to public debates that I’ve seen in many a cold political winter. Her history as part of the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament means that she can also lasso and ride missiles into battle, before safely disarming them.

Special Move: Forms a coalition with Labour, instigates “the worst crisis since abdication”

Weaknesses: Ed doesn’t seem to have any interest in being Nicola’s paramour. What a fool.

Leanne Wood

Leader of Plaid Cymru and lover of activism and dragons, Leanne Wood is famous for being “the leader you’d most likely invite around for a cup of tea” and for once getting kicked out of the Welsh Assembly for calling the Queen “Mrs. Windsor”. What a fucking hero.

Weight Class: Leanne is pretty fucking chill, with a big emphasis on proper inter-state cooperation, making her a comparative lightweight in this crass political world.

Preferred Fighting Style: Team up with the SNP and the Greens, agree on most of everything, don’t invite Ed Miliband to your girl power group hugs. Ballin’.

Special Move: Use the Freedom of Information Act to expose excesses at the Wales Audit Office, fucking slam-dunking outgoing chief operating officer Anthony Snow in the process. WHAT A BABE.

Weaknesses: Nothing, Leanne doesn’t give a shit.

Nick Clegg

To be honest with you, I kind of forgot about Nick. Nick is BFIP to Davey C; leader of the Liberal Democrats; and technically our Deputy Prime Minister.

Weight Class: Lightweight. But while Leanne Wood has this class because she has transcended men’s political bullshit, Nick is a lightweight because he’s literally a pile of two damp flannels. So not even a pile really. Just some damp flannels. That David would wipe the sweat off of his ham face with.

Preferred Fighting Style: Lure people toward his side of the battlefield with promises of a better future, only to stab them viciously, repeatedly in the stomach with a blunted butter knife. Nick then uses the blood of the fallen to blend in with the suspected winners of the fight, like Rick and Glenn do with the zombies in Season 1 of 'The Walking Dead.'

Special Move: Get Dave to drop an, “I agree with Nick”. Feel a momentary sense of political pride before realising that you’re in bed with a group of fucking vipers.

Weaknesses: Everything.

To conclude this little WWE style romp, this political fight is both crowded and vicious, with no actual clear winner. But you can swing it. Take the quiz here and see who out there is representing how you feel about things. To keep this fight analogy going, the special move of the UK population is not just having a vote, but using it. So use it.