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How to Put the V (or D) Back in Valentine’s Day

  • Published in Features
valentine pull single
Illustration by Liam Johnstone

Once upon a time, Valentine’s Day was hailed as a celebration of courtly love and affection, where lovebirds everywhere took a moment to shower their beloved with affection and tokens of their esteem. Today, Valentine’s Day has become so saturated with pink, romantic bullshit that it’s basically cemented as the crappiest holiday on Earth. Unless you’re an early 20’s-something female in a relationship, seeming to only exist to make single people feel lousy about themselves. But just because you’re single, willingly or otherwise, that doesn’t mean you can’t reap some of the more substantial perks of the holiday – and what’s better, you most likely won’t have to wine and dine and spend a whole paycheck to make your significant other put out. So we here at Champion Up North are here to help you with a list of the best places to get laid on Valentine’s Day, because V-Day is a day for lovers in EVERY sense of the word.

It should also go without saying, whether you’re a man or a woman, don’t be trashy, even if you are just looking for a one-night stand. Don’t be sleazy or creepy, keep your space clean in case you end up at your place instead of theirs, and make sure you’re prepared for safe sex. We don’t condone STDs here at Champion, and we do encourage classy behaviour, believe it or not. Put the V or the D back in Valentine’s Day, not the VD.

1. Any dodgy pub

pub in leeds valentine

Avoid all the classy pubs in town because you can bet they’ll be packed tight with disgustingly happy couples gazing obnoxiously into each other’s eyes before the guy takes his girl back home to cash in on what is basically the year’s most expensive trip into her panties. Whether you’re a guy or a girl, aim for a little later in the night, when the singles hanging around trying to catch eyes are more prevalent and a little more desperate. Just remember to avoid the falling-down-incoherent drunks; being wasted is NOT consent in ANY circumstance.

2. The “Fifty Shades of Grey” premiere

Fifty Shades of Grey

It goes without saying that the ‘Fifty Shades’ series is the most god-awful literary abomination to ever be shat out by a bored, sexually frustrated housewife, but what is baffling is that chicks eat it up and beg for seconds. While the film version, which conveniently (unless you’re a man with a girlfriend) premieres 13th February, will be the cinematic equivalent of a pub toilet on New Year’s, it’ll be prime pickings for chicks who are both desperate AND horny. Win.

3. There’s an app for that

tinder

Technology is a wonderful thing that has only served to move mankind forward. 15 years ago, we didn’t have streaming videos of cats or apps for cutting rope – and today, we have all the rope-cutting, cat streaming apps we can handle, alongside ones that serve an actual purpose for the lonely hearts out there. Thankfully, the social stigma around dating apps has pretty much disappeared, so no matter what you fancy, there’s an app for that. Try Tinder or Zoosk – just don’t expect to find true love, or love that you’d want to deal with for more than a few days.

4. Live Music Events at The Wire

butter side up

Between Butter Side Up on Friday the 13th featuring Kyle Hall, one of the most innovative electronic DJs fresh from my side of the pond, and Rinse Leeds: Daniel Avery (All Night Long) featuring techno titan Daniel Avery playing on Saturday night from 23:00-6:00, the energy will be flowing and the panties will be dropping.

Even if you don’t manage to snag a partner for a midnight no-pants dance, you’ll still have a hell of a time on Valentine’s Day, which beats a case of beer and an old porno at home, right? Right.