I know, every time somebody talks about ‘sex trends’ it sounds like a bullshit 3 page feature in an erotic edition of Cosmo.
And it is. It’s real bullshit. Because sex is sex. Sex never follows the trends because sex itself is trendy.
However, there are patterns in sexual taste. These trends tend to occur, disappear and reappear again over time.
I have spent enough of my time absorbing TV series, movies and magazines to spot some of the biggest, fetishised sexy trends.
1. More Than Missionary In Medieval Times
Apparently, sex is better with fancy costumes on. Think about the almighty Game of Thrones, or the new -and almost unknown- Marco Polo. Great costumes = great sex.
A special mention has to go to The Tudors; all those ladies making love with their corsets on were worth the entire show.
If you happen to be in the mood, here is a 60 minute complilation of every sex scene in GOT EVER.
2. Scissor Sisters
They were a blast, and I loved them both. Funny, sexy and smart with a little squirt of controversy. Viewing heaven.
3. Slap and Tickle
S&M is on the rise too. After Rihanna's song –a mere snack compared to the coming feast- we are about to witness the longest queues in history outside every cinema for, you know it, 50 Shades Of Grey.
Personally, I think it's just an unrealistically predictable story from a badly written book, but it's definitely a trend.
Also, Jamie Dornan is hot beyond human.
4. Juicy Doubles
Rejoice all ye with junk in your trunk, this is a major one. This makes me very happy, as I happen to belong to this category.
To be honest, my butt is not as big as Kim Kardashan's or Nicky Minaj's, but big butts is a trend nobody can ignore.
We have been bombarded with huge bottoms, twerking, jumping and bouncing, all up in our grills. They are round, shiny and compelling – as butts should be. They are everywhere. And they are coming for you.
5. Queen Of Queefs
Stick with me here, I’m talking about ugly sex (And I don't mean Ugly Betty having sex).
I always find sex in movies and TV shows is very idealised: too beautiful, too orgasmic and so unreal.
But then Girls came out – and everything changed.
Yeah, sex can be ugly, clumsy, embarrassing. Sex is ugly sometimes.What I like about this show is the way sex was displayed as it is in real life. We don't get an orgasm every time, do we?
That's it. Boys, deal with it. Sometimes all you get is a fake.
Do you want more?
I could say FKA Twigs has given life to a new image of sexy. I could say sexting is bigger than ever -but remember: less sexting, more sex!
I could say that instead of watching long films someone prefers Tumblr's short porn gifs: condensed, dirty and time-saving.
I could talk about revenge porn and asexuality. But I won’t. Because sex is not a fashion, it's just sex.
Trends are trends, but sex is forever.